annoyance

"The incident that triggered this happened a couple weeks ago, but I just remembered it again and it annoyed me all over again.
So if you break up with someone, and one of the main reasons is that they almost never gave any sign that they're attracted to you. And they don't seem to get it at all when I try and tell them that this would bother you.
It's then really fucking annoying to see them being overly affectionate with their new SO in public, especially when they're fondling each other in public.

Kinda leaves you wondering if they really didn't get what you were trying to tell you about not getting any sign of affection from them, or if they simply weren't interested in you and wasn't willing to say it."

w.T.d.M.I. (way To damn Much Information)

disclaimer #1: This is about my sex life, my sexuality, etc. If this isn't something you want to hear about. Stop reading now.

disclaimer #2: None of any of the following is ment to imply any failing on the part of any of my lovers, past or present. In fact if anything the stuff described below is in spite of my lover's actions, as they have overall been caring considerate, compassionate, and above all lots of fun. :)

disclaimer #3: None of this was triggered by any recent event(s). I've been meaning to write something like this for at least a couple months or so now, and it took me a couple days to actually write it. Ihave had most of the feeling contained therein for much longer than that.

disclaimer #4: I write too damn many disclaimers.

"Ok, so I realized something a while back. I really don't enjoy sex. [ERASE-CORRECT] I don't enjoy the physical aspect of sex. [ERASE-CORRECT] I derive little to no physical pleasure from sex. Ah, that's accurate enough for my purposes.

This is not to say that I don't enjoy spending time in bed with my partners.
I very much enjoy tactile sensation. Claws, fingernails, fur, fingertips, etc. I was once told by an SO 'Pixel, your body is an erogenous zone.' and this seems to still hold true. I fully admit to being a bit of a slut when it comes to scritches and tactile play. Anyone who has done this stuff to me or seen it done knows the sort of sighs, purrs, whimpers and moans it causes. In fact I can generally give and/or soak up tactile play for hours.
I still enjoy having sex with my partners, except now the focus is almost exclusively on their enjoyment. Since I'm not deriving enjoyment from sex (and yes the lack of enjoyment came first and not the focusing on my partner's pleasure) I can focus on finding the things that cause the most pleasure in my partners. This can be lots of fun if I am getting signs from my partners that they are enjoying it.

But on a physical level I don't really enjoy sex.

I still have a fairly high libedo, I still get turned on, and I still achieve orgasm, but the pleasure involved is minimal at best. What makes it frustrating is that it wasn't always like this, I recall in the past (past being defined as at least a few years ago) enjoying it much more and having very pleasureable orgasms. I also used to afterglow for a noticable amount of time, and that doesn't seem to happen anymore. Now the orgasm seems like little more than a sort of pressure release.

It wouldn't bother me so much if I simply had no interest. If that was the case I'd just do something else instead of having sex. But the interest is still there. In fact for a while I had to work really hard not to try and seduce ppl with whom I know it would be a bad idea simply because I wanted to get laid.
I think part of the problem is that since the first person I snuggled with and kissed was also the first person I slept with (about two weeks between the two). So sex & snuggling became intertwined.

Ok, I've manged to confuse myself throughly trying to write this out. So I'll post it and try and explain/clarify/add to this later."

(no subject)

"Heading off to my cousin's wedding today. Got all dressed up in my suit & button down shirt (and a tie, ick. I hate ties).
Get to sit around in a church, then hang out with my father's side of the family. Of which I have nothing in common with, and whom mostly tend to end up speaking in Polish which i can't understand.
Oh well, fortunately my mom doesn't think of this as great fun either, so we're going to skip out as soon as is politely posible.
If I'm really lucky I can convince [C] to let me come over afterwards and snuggle."