Catching up...

"So I haven't written in this for a while. I was too busy for a couple days, then not very comunicative for a couple more. I'm not sure that I am now communicative, but I'll try.

• Thurs: I spent all of thursday, from 9:30am - 6:30pm, putting the new strut tower bushings in The Cat. Ghods what a bastard of a project that was. I'm still stiff and sore from it. The cold weather and drizzle didn't help (though i did manage to do almost all of it in the garage). I went to [C]'s place that night, and on the drive over discovered that I had screwed up and the front end is now making and scraping noise.
  
• Fri: Got up early and Brouight The Cat to Town Fair Tire on my way to work so they could put new front tires on and give her an alignment. Got to talking with the clerk, and he has a '89 Taurus wagon he's trying to get rid of, in good shape except for some electrical problems (more on this later). Picked The Cat up at lunchtime, and left directly from work for Vassar & the vampire LARP. Showed up 2 hours late for the LARP as expected, and my character spent the first half of being there trying to catch up on what the hell was going on and the second half being throughly bored with the Prince of the city talking about politics. Decided not to go to the party some LARPers were hosting afterwards after overhearing one person comment 'Do you think we can get drunk enough in three hours?' Instead I went back to L-Chan & ONDBIT's room and hung out there.
  
• Sat: Crashed with ONDBIT and awoke the next morning to scritches from same. We traded scritches and such for a while (she has nice hands), then finally actually arose. Hung around in their room with one or the other of them for much or the day. It was nice, no stress and nowhere to be.
  That evening I went to go meet up with another NSOer who wanted to use my SAM's Club card to buy stuff for the NSO. When I went to start The Cat I discovered I had been a moron and left her interior lights on and killed the battery. So said NSOer drove me over to Wal*Mart so I could exchange the dead battery for a new one (I bought a higher amperage one this time). After finishing shopping with them I installed the Battery and drove back to CT.
  Back in CT I headed over to the Nexus and the party being hosted there. We hung out, talked watched movies etc. I by this time was starting to slip into my not wanting to be around ppl mood and a couple comments by ppl there sort of sped that up. I headed off, but didn't go straight home and instead drove someone there to her home because her car's window had had a pumpkin thrown through it while it was parked down the street from the party. After that I headed home and went to bed.
  
• Sun: Awoke and headed off to work. Discovered that they had scheduled me for 9am and not 9:30am as I thought. Worked my butt off, this season is getting nuts, and the way things ar (not)organized there isn't helping. After work I headed home for a quick shower, then picked up the same person I had given a ride to last night and we went to the CT Poly dinner at a local indian place. The dinner was ok, and I got a chance to return some stuff I had had since the CT Poly get together at my family's place this past summer. I really was not in any sort of mood to be around people so I faked it as best I could, but was not unhappy when it broke up and I headed off. Dropped my passenger off at her place and went home.
  
• Mon:Woke up, went to work. Work was insane again. It took me all day (and 5 minutes past the end of my shift) to just finish the customer builds of stuff sold on Sun. I didn't have a chance to build anything for ythe floor, nor all the dozens of other tasks I need to get done there. I am really tired of being effectively the only bike assembler, and having to also take care of the bike area on the floor because none of the managers seem to want to be bothered with it.
  Got home and took my mom's car for a test drive and figured out some of the work it needs done, will be doing that later this week. I also called the guy from Town Fair Tire and I'm going to hopefully be picking up the station wagon tomorrow. Mom has agreed to let me keep it in the driveway for a maximum of two weeks so I can strip all the parts I want/need off it.
  So for this coming week it looks like this:
  
• Tues: Pick up station wagon, got to Sin:Thesis if I'm feeling up to it.
  
• Wed: Prolly work on mom's car.
  
• Thurs: Day off from work, go to court for the speeding ticket I got in CT a couple months back. Come home and work on The Cat, possibly ripping front end apart to fix what I messed up on the strut bushings (I forgot to put a certain spacer in). Go with sis to Home Depot and pick up the supplies we need for the darkroom we're building for her in the basement.
  
• Fri: Nothing specifc planned (amazingly)
  
• Sat: Ripping the station wagon apart. Working on Darkroom with sis.
  

Harsher.

"I was going to post something here today basicly whining about my life. Then I realized that is was teh same stuff I've been whining about for a while now. And it hasn't changed and I have done little to change it, so I have no right to continue to bitch ao much about it.
Then I started thinking on how my life is different now then it was when I was more satisfied with it (or at least the aspects of it I'm currently thinking of).
It came down to, in most cases, one word.

Harsher.


My life feels harsher now than it did back then.
(preface warning: this is a general overall feeling and does not necessarily pertain to one particular person/event/group/place/etc. If you are wondering if something in particular applies to you, ask me)
My personality seems harsher. I'm more inclined to be crude or mean or snide or calloused than I think i was. The loud, crazy, wild, etc parts of my personality seem as strong or stronger than they were. But I seem to have lost the calmer parts, the inner reserve I could call on in times of stress or whatnot to keep me calm and level.
I spend more time running around doing things and trying to fill my days. I rarely curl up with a book. I can't seem to amuse myself anymore and must seek outside sources of entertainment.
I seem spend more time with people with sharper personalities. More time spent out doing stuff with people, and less time spent simply being with people. More time spent being each others source of entertainment, and les time spent enjoying someone's company. I find myself more often in the company of people whom I have to apoligise for or explain (their behavior/words/actions/thoughts/etc) to other people we're with.
I seem to end up hooking up with people for the wrong reasons, or more quickly than I should which can fuck up the chance for there to be more there if the hook up doesn't work out than ackwardness and added loneliness.
There more ways that this has happened, but this is what I can come up with now off the top of my head.

So now I've IDed this. Now I have no idea where to go from here. I am not sure just how I got here from there. I can trace some of it, but not enough to truely acount for it. I don't know how to get back there. Back to a calmer, gentler softer me. I have an idea how I got there from the person I was (or rather wasn't) in High School. But the place and the people who got me there don't exist anymore, Or at least not in a way that can do that again. Plus I don't think that route would work again even if it still existed. I'm a very different person than I was then.
So how do I get there. How do I smooth off or cover over the sharp edges again?"