clarification of meaning...

[Ri]: You just want to be in love.
improbcat: yeah. not in love with a specific person I was in love with, I just want to be in love with someone
[Ri]: Yeah. you want to belong to someone. That's why it doesn't help to know that your friends love you, right? Because you dont belong to them.
improbcat: BINGO!
improbcat: (though I'm smart enough not to just get involved with anyone just to not be alone, thus my current alone state)
improbcat: thank you, you managed to get into words what's been stuck in my head

frustrated

"I should just give up and stop posting my feelings and thoughts on love. Every time I do I get multiple people either telling me I'm wrong, or getting freaked out by what I say, or telling me how my definitions of how love feels to me is something they could never have love feel like for them.
It's getting really tiring feeling like I have to defend my feelings which I'm only trying to apply to myself because everyone else seems to feel the need to try and apply them to themselves and then have issues when they don't like them.
Maybe I'll just post about my car, nobody seems to get freaked out or annoyed by that."

(no subject)

"The Cat was supposed to be ready Mon or Tues. Called on Tues and they said Wed. Called this morning and they said maybe this afternoon. Called just now and they said possibly tomorrow late afternoon.
Fucken A. I need this car in time to be moved out of the dorms by 5pm Fri.
This sucks."

I am Pixel's utter apathy.

"This was supposed to be a post about the fact I was planning on traveling around New England on my spring break, and seeing whom would be interested in my visiting. Or maybe a post about the fact that I really want to do some serious traveling in The Cat this summer.
Except I can't manage to give a shit about either of those things, or anything else for that matter. I'll just do what I do most every day here. Waste time online trying to find something that'll occupy my attention for even a short while, eventually around 1-3am I will have managed to get exhausted enough that I can get to sleep instead of just laying in bed thinking all sorts of depressing thoughts.
Boy isn't my life fun and exciting?"

Because apparently this day wasn't sucking enough...

"So I posted that I was going to spend today (like every other day) zoning out in front of the computer. Well that's not going to happen now. Because my fucking computer just DIED. She crashed and on reboot couldn't find most of the windows files. It appears that most of the windows directory is gone (it has all of 6 files in it now), as well as several other directories (including the copy of blert.net that I kept on my HD). So I'm w/o a computer until I manage to get minerva fixed (not that I can actually afford to bring her anywhere, as I just spent what little money I had on The Cat's transmission [and I've already posted that I won't be getting her back until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest]).
I also was nearly run down in the crosswalk by an asshole while I was walking over here to the library in the rain.

I give up, you win, whomever you are. My life sucks, it's utter misery right now. I'm at a school I hate taking classes I can't bother to care about, living in a dorm with a jerk roommate and a bunch of loud assholes that keep me from sleeping. I haven't met any ppl I can really interact with on campus. I've been without my car for a month and who knows if/when I'm getting her back. My computer was the one thing I could use to really distract myself from life here at school and now that has died on me. I have no money, no prospects or hope for the future, no one I can be in love with, I'm always exhausted but I can't sleep, I'm hungry, I'm cold, I'm wet from walking over here in the rain. What is there left? Why don't you just have the dorm catch on fire while I'm over here, then I'll have lost what few posessions matter to me and be homeless too, would that satisfy you?

I really wish I believed in religion right about now, because then I would have some deity to curse. Instead I'm going to go back to my dorm room and curl up in bed. I'd cry myself to sleep but if I did I'd never hear the end of it from my roommate and the other assholes on my floor."
--------------
Addendum: Since all my email and my address book were on the computer, I won't be able to respond to any emails anyone has sent me, also unless you happen to be one of the few ppl who's email address I have memorized I won't be able to email you either. I might be able to access my mail for the next couple days, but the ppl that host blert.net just sent an email informing me of a change to the SSH port (which I need to know to access my mail from other comps), I don't recall the change, and I can't get to the message about it, it takes place on Fri so unless Ihave figured it out by then I will be completely cut off from email.