All right!

  "So I'm liking this new job better already. Today was my first day amidst the sea of beige. Came home to a letter from work. Turns out that since paychecks are generated on the 15th & last days of the month I got one for this month, for today's work.
  Most places make you actually work there for a week or two before paying you, this immediate gratiofication thing is much better."

ok, I don't cook, and this recipe scared me.

  "This was found while looking for a recipe for white pizza, we kept looking.

WHITE PIZZA
Printed from COOKS.COM

2 cans crescent rolls
2 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese
1 env. Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing
8 oz. Hellmann's Mayonnaise
1 c. fresh chopped broccoli
1 c. fresh chopped cauliflower
Chopped onions
1/2 c. carrots
1/2 c. cheddar cheese

Place rolls flat on cookie sheet and bake as directed.
Mix cream cheese, dressing, and mayonnaise. Spread over cooled crust.
Mix remaining ingredients together and pat on top of crust.
A colorful appetizer.

  No recipe for pizza should involve crescent rolls in cans, and mayonaise and cauliflower and cream cheese. In fact, no recipe should invole all those ingredients at the same time. And if you are doing a pizza, why the fuck would you use cheddar cheese? And carrots? Carrots have no place on pizza. And ranch dressing? This is just getting more and more painful with every step. I want to know who the author of this is, and find out if they were drunk when they came up with it. Because that is the only chance I can see of being able to choke this down.

'Hell. all's left is Glady's pizza thing with the carrots and cream cheese. I'm going to have a slice, fetch me another double scotch.'