[whine]The joys of being an introverted extrovert

...Or an extroverted introvert, I haven't figured out which yet.

I really like spending time with people, I need social interaction in my life in order to feel mentally healthy.

But it is really hard for me to go out and be social. It takes a lot of mental energy to get out of the safety of my apartment and go be social. I'm constantly worried that my friends don't actually want to spend time with me.

And it's self-reinforcing too. If I expend what to me is a lot of energy to try and reach out to try and spend time with someone and get rejected[1], it is that much harder next time. Both with that person and in general. Each time reaching out doesn't work, it takes that much *more* energy next time. And because I've already expended energy, I have that much less energy to expend. So I end up not having the energy to reach out and be social. So I'm not getting social interaction, which means I feel more tired and alone. And I'm feeling to tired and alone to be social. So I end up not being social, which makes me feel...

You get the idea.

And if I get in this loop of feeling unwanted or unimportant, I get broken enough that I feel like I *can't* go ask to spend time with anyone. I feel like I'd be intruding if I did. So I'm that much less likely to be social, which sets the whole spiral continuing even faster.

Fun.

This wasn't a complaint about anyone. This wasn't me saying anyone has done anything wrong or treated me wrong. This is just part of the mental space I've been stuck in for at least the last month or so, and I finally had the energy to put a little of it out in public. I may whine about other parts of this later if I can get the energy up.

[1] And I'm not talking about 'no I hate you, go away'. Even 'Sorry I'm busy' or other innocuous things can trigger this.