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a purpose?
Jun. 10th, 2001 10:49 pm[parts of this come from a conversation last night, and from something I have felt about myself for a long time]
"I really truely deeply wish that I had a purpose in life. Something or someone or some idea to work for and strive towards. Something to get me out of bed in the morning and give me something to work for all day, and allow me to colapse exhausted in bed at night, after spending all day striving towards a goal.
But I don't. I have nothing. There are things I do in my life, and things I like in my life. But there is no purpose. And I feel empty.
I rant or joke sometimes about people who's entire life is consumed by some one thing, to the exclusion of all else. I laugh at how they can't manage to see anything beyond that one big thing in their life. But the truth is that in the end I envy them. I don't want to ever be that blindly obsessed with something, but damnit it would feel good to have something in my life capable of stiring those sorts of emotions.
I'm empty. I feel like I have all this energy inside me just bouncing around at random looking for something for me to pour it into. Sometimes I can redirect it into whatever I happen to have to do/think about. Sometimes it just fires off at random, and I'm my maniac self and all hyperactive and off the walls. That happens a lot less these days though. More often the energy has no where to go, so it just drains out of me. I'm left feeling empty, and hollow. I drag myself through my days. I never seem to manage to sleep enough to feel really rested. I never seem to eat enough to truely feed the hunger inside me.
I really would like to find something. But I know I can't just go searching for A Purpose(tm). That's not going to work. The other attempts I made to find A Girlfriend(tm), A Job(tm), etc. have all ended in failure. I know it's something that just has to come to me, but damnit I wish it would arrive sooner.
I seem less and less to be able to remain focused on any one thing, or to maintain my entusiasm for something.
I feel disconnected from everthing. I don't truely feel like a member of any group, I always feel like I'm on the fringes.
I don't really feel connected deeply to anyone. Even the people I feel are my closest friends, I seem to have drifted apart from them. It's not really either of our faults, it's simply differences of geography, lifestyle, and life direction. I haven't felt truely connected to anyone on a romantic/relationship level since '99. Earlier than that actually, as the relationship had been limping along for a while when we broke up, and the distance between us was growing vaster by the day.
I saw that person again this past December, we've barely talked to each other since we broke up. Yet we slipped right back into our old methods of interaction as though the breakup and intervening time had never happened.
We can't get back together, we established that a while ago, that doing that would hurt both of us too much. But after that time she said she couldn't even talk with me or hear from me because it hurt too much.
I'm not connected to anything. I'm not really doing anything in or with my life. I'm not making a big difference in anyone's lives.
Heck it seems like one of the requirements for being my firend is that you're willing to tolerate long gaps in contact with me, and be willing to pick the friendship up pretty much where it left off when we do see each othat again. So if I did dissappear, and the gaps stretched out into forever, what would they notice. Someone might comment a year from now 'Gee I wonder what ever happened to Pixel.' but then the though would be gone as quickly as it came and they would move on with their life.
To use a bit from the Heinlein book THe Moon is a Harsh Mistress. 'I'm just some poor shoom who could be eliminated without causing a draft.'
Considering I've been this way basicly all my life, you'd think I'd be used to it, or at least better able to deal with/ ignore it. But it still hurts."
[P.S. this isn't a suicide note, this isn't me being suicidal. Trust me. If I was suicidal unless I came to you for help you'd never even notice...]
"I really truely deeply wish that I had a purpose in life. Something or someone or some idea to work for and strive towards. Something to get me out of bed in the morning and give me something to work for all day, and allow me to colapse exhausted in bed at night, after spending all day striving towards a goal.
But I don't. I have nothing. There are things I do in my life, and things I like in my life. But there is no purpose. And I feel empty.
I rant or joke sometimes about people who's entire life is consumed by some one thing, to the exclusion of all else. I laugh at how they can't manage to see anything beyond that one big thing in their life. But the truth is that in the end I envy them. I don't want to ever be that blindly obsessed with something, but damnit it would feel good to have something in my life capable of stiring those sorts of emotions.
I'm empty. I feel like I have all this energy inside me just bouncing around at random looking for something for me to pour it into. Sometimes I can redirect it into whatever I happen to have to do/think about. Sometimes it just fires off at random, and I'm my maniac self and all hyperactive and off the walls. That happens a lot less these days though. More often the energy has no where to go, so it just drains out of me. I'm left feeling empty, and hollow. I drag myself through my days. I never seem to manage to sleep enough to feel really rested. I never seem to eat enough to truely feed the hunger inside me.
I really would like to find something. But I know I can't just go searching for A Purpose(tm). That's not going to work. The other attempts I made to find A Girlfriend(tm), A Job(tm), etc. have all ended in failure. I know it's something that just has to come to me, but damnit I wish it would arrive sooner.
I seem less and less to be able to remain focused on any one thing, or to maintain my entusiasm for something.
I feel disconnected from everthing. I don't truely feel like a member of any group, I always feel like I'm on the fringes.
I don't really feel connected deeply to anyone. Even the people I feel are my closest friends, I seem to have drifted apart from them. It's not really either of our faults, it's simply differences of geography, lifestyle, and life direction. I haven't felt truely connected to anyone on a romantic/relationship level since '99. Earlier than that actually, as the relationship had been limping along for a while when we broke up, and the distance between us was growing vaster by the day.
I saw that person again this past December, we've barely talked to each other since we broke up. Yet we slipped right back into our old methods of interaction as though the breakup and intervening time had never happened.
We can't get back together, we established that a while ago, that doing that would hurt both of us too much. But after that time she said she couldn't even talk with me or hear from me because it hurt too much.
I'm not connected to anything. I'm not really doing anything in or with my life. I'm not making a big difference in anyone's lives.
Heck it seems like one of the requirements for being my firend is that you're willing to tolerate long gaps in contact with me, and be willing to pick the friendship up pretty much where it left off when we do see each othat again. So if I did dissappear, and the gaps stretched out into forever, what would they notice. Someone might comment a year from now 'Gee I wonder what ever happened to Pixel.' but then the though would be gone as quickly as it came and they would move on with their life.
To use a bit from the Heinlein book THe Moon is a Harsh Mistress. 'I'm just some poor shoom who could be eliminated without causing a draft.'
Considering I've been this way basicly all my life, you'd think I'd be used to it, or at least better able to deal with/ ignore it. But it still hurts."
[P.S. this isn't a suicide note, this isn't me being suicidal. Trust me. If I was suicidal unless I came to you for help you'd never even notice...]
