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On feeling wanted.
Jul. 30th, 2001 08:39 am"So you would think that spending the entire weekend at Falcon Ridge having ppl who knew me come up and say hello would convince me that ppl in general actually like me and want to spend time with me. Especially when the person I gave a bicycle I wasn't using bounded over and gave me a huge hug dispite having met me for all of an hour or so, and another person whom I had met once ages ago at a NY Poly meeting recognised me in the dark as I walked through the crowd and took the time to say hi and introduce me to their friends. And when I have several ppl giving me their contact info and telling me that we need to get together you'd think I'd feel that I might be someone worth interacting with.
But no, it never works like that. I get one sign from someone that looks to me like they'd rather not spend time with me or that spending time with me is of much less importance then spending time with anyone else (and with 99% certainty was not meant that way). And I can't get to sleep for ages because of all the depressive thoughts in my head. And I wake up feeling listless and like it's not worth bothering ti have friends because obviously they are only spending time with me because they have noone better to hang out with. And as soon as they find someone else they are going to ditch me in a second to hang out with soemone who is actually interesting and fun to be with and etc....
I hate this. I know it's wrong, I know it's stupid, I know my friends don't feel this way. But it still happens. I really wish I could do an effective job of rewiring parts of the inside of my head.
But no, it never works like that. I get one sign from someone that looks to me like they'd rather not spend time with me or that spending time with me is of much less importance then spending time with anyone else (and with 99% certainty was not meant that way). And I can't get to sleep for ages because of all the depressive thoughts in my head. And I wake up feeling listless and like it's not worth bothering ti have friends because obviously they are only spending time with me because they have noone better to hang out with. And as soon as they find someone else they are going to ditch me in a second to hang out with soemone who is actually interesting and fun to be with and etc....
I hate this. I know it's wrong, I know it's stupid, I know my friends don't feel this way. But it still happens. I really wish I could do an effective job of rewiring parts of the inside of my head.
